The Guide
by Influence
Summary: A group of characters from Star Wars and Atlantis end up stuck on a random alien planet. Chaos ensues, and Luke Skywalker is charged with keeping order.


The Guide

For some strange reason, which for the life of me I cannot figure out, some of the characters from the Star Wars Galaxy are stuck on a planet. Luke Skywalker has the really difficult problem of trying to minimise casualties, i.e. trying to keep them from killing each other for no better reason than breathing. He makes a guide, so then they would know how NOT to act.

Note: Not all of the characters are from the same period. I know. But I put them there anyway. Cause I can. And it's funny to watch HK-47 get (nearly) drowned by a mob.

Rule 1: Don't annoy Vader.

A. The next person to do so will be subject to Wes Janson's drunken singing.

B. Seriously, don't.

Long story short, Hobbie had thought that spray-painting Vader pink would be funny.

Luke wasn't happy at having to rescue Hobbie in the middle of his honeymoon. He was even less pleased when he saw the reason why. If he hadn't stopped Mara, she would have killed Hobbie.

Rule 2: Don't steal the caf.

A. Just don't.

B. The last person who did hasn't been found yet.

C. I'm not going to rescue you if you do something this stupid!

Mission Vao, mass hallucinations and a scary amount of casualties. Enough said.

Rule 3: The pool is NOT to be used for pranks, drownings, etc.

Wes threw Face in the pool.

Dia tried her best to drown Wes in the pool.

Rule 4: If I find the person who hid all the lightsabers, they'll be in trouble!

A. Return them immediately, and you won't be punished too badly.

Somebody had spread sleeping gas through the base, and while everybody was unconscious they had stolen every lightsaber. There wasn't even any security footage, and all of the Force users were in an uproar, Jedi and Sith alike.

HK-47 was hiding away in an abandoned room off Corridor 59.

Rule 5: Emperor Palpatine is not permitted to consume large amounts of alcohol or sugar.

A. Especially both at the same time.

B. I don't care if it's funny.

C. You're on KP duty for the next two YEARS, Janson!

Wes, Tycho, Hobbie, and a bet. That was all Luke could get out of the former Emperor, who was now hiding in his room and refusing to come out.

Rule 6: Don't smoke in the infirmary!

A. I will personally order Phanan to give you lots of booster shots.

B. In very delicate places!

C. ESPECIALLY if you set off the fire alarm and the infirmary gets flooded with fire-suppressant foam!

Booster Terrik had now learnt his lesson.

Rule 7: The power generators are NOT toys!

A. The person who gave alcohol to Master Yoda is dead when I catch up with them!

Luke was starting to skirt very close to the dark side, especially when he asked Yoda why he had messed around with the power.

Yoda's answer: "Funny, it is."

At least, that was what Luke could make out from his drunken ramblings.

Rule 8: Treat Wedge with respect.

A. He handles a lot of the stuff you guys get up to quite well...

B. But don't mess with Iella's hair!

Iella was restless one night and had looked in the mirror. Her scream woke up half of the base and resulted in Wedge's severe concussion. He had hit his head on the beside drawer.

Suffice it to say, he was NOT a happy camper. Not even Wes dared to so much as joke around him.

Rule 9: The Force users are not permitted to dangle people over the pool with their powers.

A. Even if he did take all of the lightsabers.

B. HK-47 is an assassin droid with plenty of experience at killing Jedi and Sith, remember?

C. If you think what happened to Wes when he pranked Face was bad...

Cade, Bastila and Kyp found HK-47 in his hideout while on a random walk through the deserted parts of the base. They caught him with the stolen lightsabers, and had decided to let the other Force sensitives know.

On the upside, Palpatine had finally come out of his room. The creepy thing was that he had started smiling all the time. And was acting very un-Sithly, giving people advice about how to be happy like him. Luke made a mental note to check for 'happy drugs' in Palpatine's room.

Rule 10: Don't hang people over cliffs.

A. I don't care if Juhani dyed your wife's hair pink.

B. It's unprofessional, Wedge!

Wedge had found out who played that nasty prank on Iella.

Rule 11: No messing around with people's showers!

A. The fact that they tried to drown you, HK-47, is besides the point.

B. And no, I'm not going to hide you when Leia and Han wake up.

HK-47 had planned his revenge on Cade, Bastila and Kyp quite well. But he got the different showers mixed up, and...

Leia and Han weren't too pleased about their new 'complexion'. Ton Phanan had to sedate them before they ripped HK-47 to bits. But at least for once, Leia and Han were getting along.

Rule 12: Ahsoka Tano is to be kept away from matches.

A. Or lighters.

B. Or anything that she can start fires with!

C. It's not funny, people!

It turned out that Vader's former Padawan was a pyro. Somehow, Ahsoka managed to get a box of matches into the kitchen, and burned the place down. The first clue Luke had that she started the fire: "Whooooo! Pretty lights!"

Bastila and Brianna were now watching Ahsoka very carefully, on pain of cliff-hanging.

Rule 13: Don't use the Force to bend each other's minds.

A. Only in emergencies.

B. You can't do it for fun.

C. Said emergencies are when people are going to die if you don't.

D. NOT BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF POTATO CHIPS!

Apparently Mara really liked potato chips. When she got pregnant, she didn't want to get up and get them herself so she mind-tricked a passing Corran Horn into getting them for her. Mirax was absolutely furious when she found out and got into the mother of all bitch fights with Mara.

Now Corran was in hiding and Palpatine had finally broken his weirdness record: he started laughing. And it wasn't the evil kind.

Luke wondered if there was something in the air that made perfectly rational people go completely nuts.

Rule 14: Do not creep up on Canderous.

A. He doesn't like it.

B. I'm not scraping up your remains when he catches up to you.

Creeping up on a Mandalorian was a really, really BAD idea. Hobbie was now in the infirmary with a snapped femur, shattered collarbone, two broken ribs, and a black eye. Wes couldn't stop laughing and neither could Phanan when he found out why Hobbie was injured.

Rule 15: Silly String is now banned.

Somebody had silly-stringed Carth, who was now prowling through the base, conducting random searches of people. Funnily enough, he was allergic to the stuff and had red splotches all over his face.

Windu hid his Silly String supplies in the woods.

Rule 16: The pilots are not to be made fun of.

A. It's not their fault that the only way they can get their adrenaline rush is on the back of a giant mynock.

The pilots had somehow managed to tame the local giant mynock population. When Vader started to make fun of them, they took it very well, even if he was a Sith Lord. But when Brianna, Bastila and Mara joined in, the pilots retaliated by dropping sludge on top of them. The sludge also hit Mirax and Palpatine. Palpatine cracked himself laughing and Mirax injured three of the pilots before being restrained and sedated for two days.

Rule 17: We are not stuck on a military base.

A. The military is not in charge here.

B. No matter how much they want to be.

C. I'll sic the Sith (former or otherwise) on you if you don't pack it in, Wedge!

Wedge, Corran and Tycho were responsible for this rule. Among their many crimes were stealing the sugar from the kitchen and using the sugar to get Palpatine hyper again, claiming that was everyone's punishment for not 'respecting the chain of command', which apparently started with Wedge.

Luke had to save the three from a lynch mob. And Palpatine's singing. When he found out that they weren't drunk, he was very, very tempted to let them get ripped to shreds by the civilians.

Rule 18: Spoons are to be used for their intended purpose only.

Luke really didn't want to know why Kyp had asked for this rule. But it might have had something to do with the strange cuts and bruises Cade had been loudly complaining about.

The one thing Cade never said was how he had gotten his injuries.

Rule 19: Do not let Wes near the kitchen.

A. EVER!

The man couldn't even make toast without the place going straight to hell. And the rest of the base was really attached to the new kitchen, so they paid lots of attention to this rule.

Wes was still sulking.

Rule 20: No using the Force to trip people up!

A. You know who you are...

Bastila had staged a reenactment of the famous 'Bastila trips Mission with the Force' scene. Unfortunately for Bastila, Mission had been having a really bad day and Zaalbar decided to intervene.

Luke was seriously considering becoming an alcoholic.

Rule 21: Food is to be eaten, not thrown about in a food fight!

A. Grow up, Wes!

Apparently Wes was still upset about Rule 19.

Rule 22: There is no such things as vampires!

A. The newcomers are not to put ideas into people's heads!

A ship had crashlanded on the planet, carrying Colonel John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex and Doctor Rodney McKay. They came from a place called Atlantis, which nobody had ever heard of, but they were quickly accepted into Luke's band of quacks.

Teyla had started talking about Twilight in front of Hobbie and Palpatine, who were really impressionable. Next thing Luke knew, half the base was scared of vampires.

The other half enjoyed making vampire teeth molds and walking around with them, scaring the daylights out of everybody else. After the sixth casualty had arrived in the infirmary, Phanan came into Luke's room and they spoke very quietly for five minutes.

If the word 'vampire' was so much as mentioned ever again, the offender would be subject to a very scary night, courtesy of Face and Booster.

Rule 23: Don't go into the woods alone.

A. Lots of scary things live there.

B. Don't be stupid and assume you can handle them on your own.

Long story short: McKay followed an interesting power reading, got lost, and broke his leg. He hadn't reported back by midday and John got worried. Sheppard found him, about to be eaten by a giant spider. Thankfully, as a soldier, John always had a gun. He killed the spider, but in 'saving' Rodney, he fell down the same slope and broke his arm.

They were the laughing stock of the base when Teyla and Bastila rescued them.

Rule 24: THE POOL IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL PLAYGROUND!

A. It belongs to everybody!

B. Don't you people know the meaning of the word 'share'?

The women had claimed the pool as theirs for one week. The men weren't happy but they let it slide, especially considering it was 'that time of the month'.

But the problem really came when Yoda, Ahsoka and Juhani had commandeered the pool, refusing to let anybody else in. Mara didn't take it well.

Rule 25: The women's chocolate stash is for the women!

A. Don't touch it!

B. You'd be surprised at the damage fifteen angry hormonal women can inflict.

Hobbie was caught redhanded stealing chocolate from the women's stash. Luke had to rescue him from an angry mob. All of the men were very, very careful from then on.

Rule 26: For the sake of my sanity, DO NOT touch big shiny red buttons without knowing what will happen!

A. The next person who does will be locked in a room with McKay for three hours while he lectures you on how to act while discovering new technology!

B. When the newcomers say not to touch something, LISTEN!

Booster pressed a button and Ancient music started to play over the base's intercom system.

At least the Ancients thought it was music. Luke didn't. Neither did Mara, who went on the warpath. Rodney was nearly in tears after she wrecked the machine, and John was trying to make everyone else's lives hell for upsetting him.

Rule 27: Do not make fun of Master Windu and his new pet.

A. Flora might look cute, but she's got a nasty bite!

Windu had been walking in the gardens and found Flora, a massive fluffy purple rabbit, who immediately bonded with him. Dia had thought that the couple looked 'cute', and soon found out that she should have added on 'and very deadly' to the end of her sentence.

On the upside, Luke had finally found out what was wrong with Palpatine: nothing. Apparently he just thought that everybody and everything was hilarious. He supposed that a laughing Palpatine was better than an angry Palpatine shooting Force lightning everywhere, even if it was disturbing.

Rule 28: McKay is not to be annoyed.

A. The pilots are not allowed to dive-bomb him at any time.

B. Or we'll leave you here when he figures out a way to get us off this rock.

C. I reckon the Republic can do without you lot adding to their troubles.

D. And no, Colonel Sheppard won't be allowed to take you to Atlantis!

Rodney had been sitting in the garden, going over some research when, completely out of the big blue sky...

Luke really didn't blame him for getting one of the rocket launchers out of storage. But he had to maintain some sense of order.

Rule 29: No taping people to ceilings.

Carth finally found Windu's Silly String supplies, and had gotten Rodney to fingerprint them. Windu wasn't pleased when Carth tampered with the speakers in his room, making them recite Ancient operas. Very loudly.

Carth had forgotten one simple little fact about Windu: he was a Force-user. And thus had twice the capability to cause more damage than a normal person. That and he had Flora.

It took Ronon and Luke two hours to cut Carth off the ceiling, and when they finally cut the last bit of tape, he had fallen to the floor, breaking his nose in the process. Now he was stuck in the infirmary with a glowering (and very deaf) Windu for a neighbour. Flora was sitting next to his bed and kept looking at him in a 'I'd bet you'd taste good' kind of way...

Rule 30: (Former) Emperor Palpatine is permitted to watch the Babylon 5 series whenever he wants.

A. If you want to use the movie player, Wes, you'll have to apologise for the alcohol and sugar incident.

B. And burning the old kitchen down, since he suffered from smoke inhalation as a result of your stupidity.

C. And the food fight, since you knocked him out with a pan of vegetables.

D. Just grovel! We all know you can do that!

Wes had tried to turn Palpatine's movie off. The Sith Lord didn't take it well, and now Wes was in the infirmary with Carth and Mace, suffering from an unusual ailment: he had been turned into a woman as a result of Palpatine using the dark side on him. When asked to turn him back, Palpatine refused unless Wes would dress as a woman for a day.

And that just wasn't gonna happen.

Or so Luke thought, until he saw Wes stomping around in a dress two days later. If that 'thing' could be called a dress. Luckily, none of the men tried to hit on him, because Luke REALLY did not want to clean up that amount of blood. Vader had actually laughed at the spectacle. When Wes was on the other side of the base.

Unbeknownest to Luke was the reason Janson had given in to Palpatine's request: Palpatine had promised him that he would use the Force to help Wes with his pranks.

Rule 31: For the love of whoever runs this crazy universe, DO NOT MAKE THE BASE YOUR PERSONAL ICE-SKATING RINK!

A. Ton Phanan is normally a (relatively) nice man. But now you're really starting to piss him off!

Wes Janson, Palpatine, buckets of water, and a Force power known as 'Freeze'.

After the tenth person hobbled into the infirmary, Phanan went postal and tried to kill Palpatine. Strangely enough, he almost succeeded until Janson intervened...

Rule 32: Mario Kart is a game.

A. It's meant to be fun.

B. Just because you suck at it doesn't mean you're inferior in any way.

Sheppard really liked Mario Kart, and Rodney made the game. Kyp lost three races in a row to Cade, and when he started teasing Kyp, Kyp lost his temper and knocked Cade unconscious with the game controller.

Rule 33: No getting high!

A. The 'Pretty Lights' room is going to be welded shut.

A device very similar to that which SG-1 discovered in its fourth year had been found. Luckily, Yoda and Corran didn't die from withdrawal but it hurt like hell, judging from the colossal screaming match coming from the infirmary.

The two large needles that Phanan used to give them a sedative didn't help either.

Rule 34: Don't shave people's heads.

A. You're so DEAD when I catch up with you, Cade!

B. And you'd better wish I'm the first, because what I'll do to you will pale in comparison with Mara's revenge!

Another ship crashlanded on the planet. A 17 year old girl named Chira was the only survivor, and she had become really attached to Mara, who had formally adopted Chira as her daughter.

Cade had thought it would be a good idea to play a prank on her. Shaving her head probably wasn't the best joke. Mara was now on the warpath, and Cade was running out of hiding places.

Rule 35: No bending.

A. Chira, honey, I think Cade has got the point.

Chira, Phanan, Ronon and Tycho had been inside one of the abandoned labs when a device went off. Tycho could now control water, Phanan had air and Ronon could bend earth. Scariest of all, Chira could make fireballs out of nothing and she hadn't forgotten Cade's little prank.

Poor Cade now had third degree burns on his back and Mara was extremely proud of her little girl.

Rule 36: Do not go into the 'Purple Cave'.

A. The Hal'onia don't like us anymore.

B. I'm pretty sure they're planning to take over the base...

The Hal'onia were discovered during one of Corran and Mirax's walks. A friendly reptilian but primitive species, they lived in a village centered around the Purple Cave (which, oddly enough, was purple). Apparently, it was sacred ground and the Hal'onians didn't like it when McKay went inside, following a strange power reading.

Now the base was officially at war with the only other sentient lifeforms on the planet.

Rule 37: All rules are declared void when the Hal'onia attack.

A. That means you can levitate them over the pool.

B. And you can throw fireballs at them.

C. Go for it. We didn't attack first.

The Avatars, as the troublesome four were being called, had saved the day. Sheppard was jealous and quickly pointed out that they had broken some of the rules in battling their new enemies. The Avatars were outraged, and Luke quickly made this rule up to minimise casualties. After all, they could easily kill Sheppard without breaking into a sweat.

Rule 38: Banana peels are to be thrown in the bin.

A. NOT ON THE KRIFFING FLOOR!

Banana peels had been left on the mess hall floor. Luke tripped and broke his ankle. While he was on the ground screaming in agony, he had found a message in which the 'Favoured of the Bananas' took responsibility. Mara was now on the warpath, searching for the Favoured. Wedge put this rule into effect, so Mara would go after the real 'Favoured of the Bananas' and not other people who had decided to make fun of her.

But said people stopped when they started tripping over peels left in front of their doors. Now Mara had a lot of willing volunteers/informers/mobbers.

Rule 39: McKay is not a god.

A. He doesn't know everything.

B. Stop it, Ahsoka!

McKay had saved Ahsoka from Mara, and her worship of him had gone a bit far.

'Far' meaning being at his beck and call at all hours. When she had stumbled into the infirmary half dead, asking for a test tube (McKay had run out), Phanan sedated her and asked if he could borrow Flora from Mace, who had readily agreed when he heard the reason.

Poor Rodney now found it incredibly difficult for him to speak without screaming, and he wasn't getting any sympathy from his team.

Rule 40: Leave Bambi alone.

A. He's got a lot of friends. None of which like us one bit.

The Hal'onia had a new ally: Bambi. The grown up version, which meant he had a mean back kick. He still hated fire, though, and ran away every time he saw Chira.

Rule 41: Funniest Atlantis Videos are not to be shown to Wes Janson.

A. Or Palpatine.

B. Or Hobbie.

C. Or any of the pilots.

D. They give them ideas. Really bad ones.

That said it all. Well, that and Hobbie was responsible for the banana prank. He hadn't said what Mara did to him, but he was still awfully quiet around her.

Rule 42: Stay away from the plants on the north side of the base.

Everybody followed this rule. The creepers were WAY too friendly. And those damn trees seemed to have eyes...

Rule 43: What have I told you about annoying the women?

A. Don't do it!

B. They just may defect to the Hal'onia. Then we'll all lose!

Vader had made a few... sexist remarks about the ability of certain females on the base. Now every man was hiding in their quarters for their own protection as the women hunted Vader through the forest.

Poor Vader. They spray-painted him a fluoroscent yellow this time. Now nobody could look at him directly, it was as if the sun had suddenly decided to walk on the surface of the planet. The poor Sith Lord was still searching the storerooms, trying to find some black paint.

Luke was wondering if he'd died and gone to hell.

Rule 44: You are not permitted to go to Alfea and ask the Winx Club for help.

A. Especially with pranks.

B. And Wes is DEFINITELY not allowed go there.

C. They already think we're weird enough as it is, after the Vader Incident.

D. Speaking of Vader, he's our new ambassador to them. And he's the only one allowed in that storeroom!

Vader had found a magical portal in one of the storerooms. After stepping through, he ran into the Winx Club and asked them for help with his 'problem'. Bloom and Layla had taken pity on him and turned him back to normal, with a few differences:

1 - Instead of being pure black, he now had a thick navy blue stripe running across the hem of his cape,

2 - His lightsaber was now a bright pink colour (everybody had stopped teasing him about that after he chopped a metre-length pipe into seven pieces, proving that it was still functional),

3 - And he didn't need to wear the life-support suit anymore (but he still loved that dang cape).

The (now) former Sith Lord had returned the favour by accompanying the girls to Shadowhaunt and helping to capture Lord Darkar.

Rule 45: Chira and Vader are now the only ones with access to the magical portal.

A. Chira's only allowed because she has to go to school somehow, so stop whining, Wes!

Darkar had escaped through the portal and onto the base. The Winx had followed him, but Darkar had already crossed paths with Vader and Chira, both of whom were considerably pissed at being woken up in the middle of the night.

Confronting him, Chira had released a massive burst of energy. After taking Darkar back through the portal and into their version of a jail, Chira was tested by the Winx and found to have magical powers (completely separate from her ability to throw fireballs).

Now she was in school at Alfea and Wes wouldn't shut up.

Rule 46: Never ever wake Ronon up.

A. Ever.

Ronon had not been pleased when Wes had started bouncing down the hallway outside his room, singing drunkenly (and very loudly) at 3am.

Turns out he didn't like 'Dancing In The Moonlight'.

Rule 47: Do not mess with Milo.

A. Or Chira.

B. Milo has laser-sharpened fangs, you know.

One of the Ancients who had formerly inhabited the base was lonely and had created a 350-kilogram deadly pet with lightsaber-proof armor. Chira had just happened to wake it up and it had 'imprinted' on her. She named him Milo.

Unfortunately, Yoda went Sith when Chira tried to introduce Milo to everybody in the mess hall. He was now recuperating in the infirmary, along with Wedge, who got caught in the crossfire. Strangely, Yoda wasn't that badly hurt until Iella saw her husband's injuries...

Palpatine laughed and gave Milo a hug.

Rule 48: Do not give the mynocks 'energy-bombs'.

A. They make the pilots angry.

B. Really angry.

C. By the way, there happens to be a substantial reward for anyone who can lead the pilots and Palpatine to Carth's hiding place.

Carth fed a strange blue glowing 'thing' to one of the mynocks. After several people nearly got injured, he decided to repeat it on a larger scale. After Wedge, Tycho, Wes and Hobbie found out, Carth went into hiding, pleading temporary insanity.

Unfortunately, it wouldn't save him, as Palpatine had finally gotten VERY angry after nearly being eaten.

Luke much preferred the 'happy Sith Lord' to the angry one, and prayed that they would find Carth quickly.

Rule 49: Master Windu is not the 'Master of the Universe', and (former) Emperor Palpatine may not joke about pushing him out windows in his presence.

Luke figured that Mace must have somehow gotten drunk. Early in the morning, Windu was yelling loudly about how he was the 'Master of the Universe' in the mess hall. Palpatine had been woken up, along with several others (including Luke), and had made a joke about shoving Mace out the window.

In short, Windu had not been pleased and let off a Force wave in Palpatine's direction. It hit Canderous instead, who promptly retaliated. After Flora came to her master's aid, all three of them ended up in the infirmary with Yoda and Wedge.

Phanan had never treated a giant rabbit before.

Rule 50: Hobbie is NOT permitted to use his new-found ability to walk into people's bedrooms.

A. I MEAN IT!

B. I'll sic Chira and Mara on you!

Hobbie could now walk through walls. Fortunately, on his travels, he had found Carth, who promptly fainted when Hobbie poked his head through a locked door.

Rule 51: Banthas are not purple.

A. And if you ask me what a bantha is again, Sheppard...

The Hal'onia found an Ancient device with the capability to make people hallucinate. Unfortunately, it only worked on people with the ATA gene.

Luke sighed and tried to resist the temptation to Force-shut John and Rodney's mouths.

Rule 52: Ahsoka is NOT permitted anywhere near the armoury.

A. Or the fireworks.

The Hal'onia attacked again, presuming everyone to be out of action, and Ahsoka got more than a few rocket launchers out of the armoury.

Her reasoning: fire is pretty!

Palpatine lifted a large quantity of water from the pool with the Force and drowned the largest fires.

Rule 53: Do NOT catch bugs, and then show them to John.

A. McKay's going nuclear, and Teyla's about to join him.

Wes was currently running for his life from Rodney, who was waving a Wraith stunner in his direction.

Rule 54: Stun grenades are now a contraband item.

A. And if I even so much as think you have one...

Mission, Zaalbar and Bastila were now ready to kill the nameless person who had thrown a grenade through their window. Luke was prowling through the base, conducting on-the-spot searches.


End file.
